Wonder

I've been pondering on this for a long time...

What is it like?

To spread one's arms in sweet surrender and dive from a high cliff without feeling any ounce of fear.

What is it like?

To sail into an unknown ocean and clash with its uncharted waves without having doubts in mind.

Because you know what you are looking for and you have faith that you'll find it.

This is your choice. A choice which liberated you from all pretensions, doubts and self-denials.

A choice which bailed you to freedom. In order to feel what you want to feel, do what you want to do, and be who you want to be.

Last Summer, This is what I Thought..

Soaked by the Rain

Things happen for a reason. In every event that takes place, we should not worry for we are assured that it must happen. That it is a segment in the Maker’s blue print in our life. *sigh* if only I could always think this way...

Sometimes, I find life quite funny and magical. You really get things unexpectedly. Every day, you get to experience a lot of things.

For the second time, I found someone like him.

He is someone I knew and whom I look up to. I never knew him personally. But I know he is someone who gives out radiance of happiness to those around him. I am even a regular receiver of it.

He was soaked in the rain, his head is lifted to the crying sky. At first glance he seems to enjoy how each water drop caresses his face and how each of it cleanses his entire being. But something hit me; I suddenly felt what it is behind that painted expression of his.

He is crying.

Although it is not that obvious. because his tears are easily mixed with the sky’s tears.

Just then, he wiped the tears flooding his cheeks. In that instant, I found the boy in him though caged in a reflection of a man. From the distance, I could sense his pain, his anguish, and his confusions. At first, I stopped and was about to step aback. I felt that something is going to envelope me, something that caught me before. And because of that, I felt fear and discouragement. I don’t want to be in it again.

I tightened my hold on the umbrella as a sign that I won’t let go and that I won’t take off my shield. I know how to take full control. However, though I am guarded against the pouring rain, I can’t move. It is as if my feet are pinned unto the pavement. I can’t even afford to change my view. It’s as if I have to see his every expression of sadness. I know that it has nothing to do with me, and so I really want to turn my back.. but I still can't.. all I can do is stand from a distance.

Suddenly, something fluttered inside of me. It’s as if I wanted to let go of my umbrella and join him in the rain. I desire to be soaked together with him while I cradle him in my arms. I want to give the comfort and warmth that he needs.

However, I quickly extinguished that feeling, because something tells me that it’s not right or more, I couldn’t afford to be soaked again in the rain as before. I am still not that capable of its consequences: to be sick afterwards, to be wet all over and to feel cold while in it. For it does not guarantee anything, not even the assurance that I would feel warm afterwards. I have been there before, would I gamble the warmth and comfort that I’m feeling now?

I saw him cry more, but all I decided to do is to watch from afar. I still gripped unto my umbrella. I felt my chest being clogged. I have my eyes being welled up with tears. What is wrong with me?

My heart seems to burst out. Only then I realized that I too am holding something inside of me. Something that I don’t want to let out. Something that I couldn’t allow to win over me. There’s a war within me. A war that I know I couldn’t bear any longer.

My limbs started to feel so weary and frail. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so tired of this battle. But just as my heart began to soften, a Mighty Wind blew and took my umbrella away... making me let go of my guard. Once again, I’ve been soaked in the rain. I’m wet and starting to feel cold. I don’t know if soon I’ll be sick.

But as my umbrella was taken, I started to feel free, and started to be comfortable being in the rain. Somehow it is because; I know that I can now be with him. I ran to him. He looked at me, and from that instance I couldn’t help but be with him. Why am I so afraid of being soaked in the rain when I know that through this, I can be with him?

In the depths of my heart, a hope started to flicker. I continued to hold him close to me as I gaze unto the sky. There is always hope. Hope that soon the rain will stop and we both can enjoy the warmth of the sun or still another hope that soon we’ll be able to learn to dance with the rain. From that thought, I smiled.

*** but in the end, his smile wasn't for me..

Might as well Surrender

There's nothing you can do when fate had already dictated it to happen, moreover if it is God's will. As if life had just given me these options: that is to give in, surrender everything and accept the reality presented to me. Yes, it is painful; ...the word acceptance, because it could also mean letting go. You have to let go of a lot of things; pride, wants and even your own happiness.